mentality of a “winner”
2012-03-07 12:08 in stuff by Hippi Condomando
I have discussed this topic with Lolita last time we saw each other, so it is partially her idea. I find it relevant to my recent post about happiness, especially after watching the link sent by sparkychappy. I realised that in modern world we are constantly bombarded by stories of the “winners”. In our mentality the winner is a person who manged to achieve something- either became famous and rich, won a fight for a cause they believed in, found happiness in love, managed to fight off the mortal disease etc. We are conditioned to believe that being a “winner” is the most rewarding and pleasurable experience and it makes us a worthwhile and valuable human beings. On the contrary a “loser”- person who doesn’t achieve what they want is bound to be unhappy and unsatisfied. On top of that we are told what things we should desire, things that are “good for us” and will make us “win”(for example social status). Homeless people and drug addicts are the most severe examples of “losers” we are shown since our early childhood. We are told that we could become one of them if we let ourselves loose control over our lives. This is how we feel about obese people, unemployed/poor people or single people-”they are losers and this is a horrible place to be”.
I believe that this attitude is what really makes us unhappy. First of all we become jealous of other people and their position in the society. Our beliefs strongly affect our level of satisfaction with life. If we make ourselves believe that we have to achieve certain things in order to be worthwhile human beings, then surely we won’t be able to enjoy who we are.
Second thing is that nobody can win constantly -no matter how hard we try, there will always be situations when we can not achieve what we planned. Third thing is that happiness from winning wears off quite quickly after we got what we wanted. When you observe kids you will probably notice that they get bored of their new toys within a month of getting them. But most parents are convinced that buying new toys will make the kids happy. Many of people around me believe that their lives will become better after they mange to do certain things- buy a house, get married etc. But this awaited happiness never arrives, either because something goes wrong during the process or because our desires for more never stop. The program sparkychappy posted showed our natural ability to be satisfied with what we already have. After our initial disappointment about something wears off, we no longer think about it (at least most of us don’t) and we learn to enjoy the new situation we’re currently in. Each time I go outdoors- either a walk or bike ride in the forests, hills or in the sea side I feel happy and totally satisfied with my life. I enjoy the sunshine (or rain;-[) the wind, the smell of trees and the earth. I don’t need anything else. And then I meet people who talk about their great life plans and achievements and I start feeling like I was doing something wrong, like I was wasting my time instead of trying to gain/ achieve something. Even in the “positive thinking” instruction books they advise you to write down all your “little victories” each day – “today I managed to do this and that” What is this all about? Is it not better to say simply – “Each day I love my life”?
Related Posts
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Ivathwolfunheb by Anton Channing.
Yes
That, I think, seems the best attitude, not only because it means you’re going to enjoy yourself more and actually really live in the here and now, but also because its really the only way to stay in any sense ‘sane’ in our society. Our society seems sick with its obsession with ‘progress’ and ‘achievements’, so many people would rather do something that means they can tick a box or get a medal or whatever than something that truly satisfies them.
I’ve struggled for years with the idea I was missing out on something because I’ve been dropping out of society in a lot of ways and I get a lot of resentment from people, ‘get a real job’ being the big one. But lately I’ve realised I was missing out on what basically amounts to neurosis. All the so called achievers I know are never happy, never satisfied, always need more. Its like they’re addicted to ticking that next imaginary box. I have been happy on a park bench when I knew I had nowhere to go. Nothing can shake the feeling of freedom that gave me. All the money and iphones and clothes and cars, bollocks, all of it, especially if you don’t have it in you to really actually enjoy it. ‘Marketing shamans’ of various sorts want people unsatisfied, always needing more, never feeling fulfilled, cause then we keep doing shit we don’t need to, to buy shit we don’t need, to impress people we don’t need to, and stay running to stand still on the hamster wheels that keep this bullshit going. I wonder if its all just out of fear of trying something different, especially considering the hysterical ridicule anyone who does try something different will inevitably risk…
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Well… @Hippi and @Spiral.
It occurs to me that you have both ‘won’ already!
@Hippi s account of the walks and bike rides ^in the forest.. Its a dead giveaway isn’t it?
We are fully equipped to be happy when we are ^in the natural environment of what we connect with… but as soon as we interact with what the human race has become, we suddenly feel misplaced, lost, not understanding of what happiness has ended up to mean.
What is happiness? It’s far more simple than the average meercat would have us believe! ;-)
It’s all an illusion. what you have… is real!
We will find it hard to be happy… If we don’t listen to who we ‘really’ are.
You guys are listening!
All power (and hugs) to you!!!
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Interesting piece – I never suspected the link I gave would have quite such an impact.
To my mind the whole winners / losers dichotomy is a crucial part of how the society in which we live shapes – or attempts to shape – who and what we are… a not so subtle method of social control. Before we even consider using such terms we first have to ask ourselves the questions “what is a winner?” and “what is a loser?” I won’t attempt to answer questions like this – that’s something that everyone has to do for themselves. Suffice to say, the use of such loaded terms is one of the things that goes to the very heart of magic(k). In my personal view, the power to give name to something is the most important magical tool that we have. We see it used in the creation myth in the book of Genesis 2:19 – I use the Roman Catholic Bible here because I prefer the translation. Similar myths exist in religions throughout the world. The power to control both spirits and people has always been closely tied to knowing their names – “Winner” and “Loser” are just such names. A this point it should also be noted that, by labelling a person a “winner”, society also exerts control over them. It ensures that they keep on striving for what society deems “good”. Failure to continue striving will result in a change of name and resultant status change to “loser”… the comment by Spiral pretty well sums this up.
The point you make in the second part of your posting is very relevant, and once again lies at the very root of magic(k) and relates to the question “what is desire?”.
Some people believe that having a new car, TV, house, partner, dildo… whatever… will make them happy – this is frequently not the case as you have so accurately pointed out. There are occasions however when the acquisition of something new DOES make them genuinely happy. The Crowleyan dictum “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law” – Liber LXXVII – is a very good one when understood correctly. It doesn’t refer to mindlessly doing whatever you want, but rather to divining ones true will. In the cases where the new acquisition does make a difference, it is because it is desired by the true will. In more recent times / scientific circles, this could be better understood as being the difference between what the brain wants, and what the mind wants. A book that explains the essential concept is “You Are Not Your Brain” by Jeffrey Schwartz and Rebecca Gladding. These two set out to explore the concept of self directed neuroplasticity based on the scientific evidence provided by brain scans – people had their brains scanned before starting their programme, and then again 10 weeks later – the results were astounding and the book is a self help book based on the results. Their system is based on understanding the concept of “free won’t” – as opposed to free will – pioneered by the neuroscientist Benjamin Libet… well worth looking up. When I began to read up on this I saw a considerable overlap with ideas in many schools of magic(k)* – not least the power of naming – which brings me back to where I started.
*Though not all… I have come to the conclusion that for some people magic works in a very different way. I suspect that this is due to radical wiring differences in the frontal lobes of the brain. The studies done on self directed neuroplasticity also seem to suggest this. For example, the techniques do not work properly on those with schizophrenia, or on those with manic depression when they are in a manic phase – unless used in conjunction with medication.
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Frontal Lobes…. They seem to be some God or a Goddess chasing me around…. wherever I go they pop up!
The activity of frontal lobes also distinguishes sociopaths from the rest of us. I think those lobes have a lot to do with how we behave, perecive reality and how much we enjoy it. Sociopaths can’t enjoy life at all and the drive for pleasure makes them behave unpredictible. The frustration causes agression. At least that’s what I understood from it.
More to the point I think our ‘WINNER’ would in character be identical with SOCIOPATH, the ‘LOOSER’ with EVERYBODY ELSE. I suspect this to be true since the beginign of human race. Hard to say why. Intuition.
This way of thinking gives me power not to be a winner or looser but MYSELF…
I think (sorry for pretching on sociopathy again) that we look up to the sociopath as our ideal men, politician, leader, businessman and some feminist do their best to add a woman to this list. I think being cold, ruthless, selfish and skilled only in making good impressions and manipulating others is as far from ideal as human can get. However our culture promotes this as a Superhuman. Sad.
@sparkychappy the book you mentioned sounds intriguing, especially becasue of Frontal Lobes. How much does it goes into the brain structure and the way it affects us. I would like to know more about it and if the book presents some contr arguments to the belief that brain structure afects who we are I would be happy to read as well.
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There’s also a good book by Paulo Coelho, “The Winner Stands Alone”, which, curiously, also describes a sociopath as a main character.
I think it is only in our recent history, the industrial and IT age with social benefits, that we’re in confusion who’s a winner and who’s a loser. In any other context it’s quite clear. If you’re able to survive, you’re a winner, if not, you’re a loser. However in the developed and developing countries the question of survival has been removed through the extensive social protection, and hence the dilemma. Now we need to find other criteria. And if that’s not enough, it’s only very recently with the advent of rapid global communication that more and more people are able to get out of their local fields and look for other sources of inspiration, happiness etc.
In my view, a winner is one who’s got enough resources to do what they need and desire. When you find out what’s important for you, then start doing it. And if you have enough resources to carry on, you’re a winner, if not, you’re a loser. However, in this case you don’t need to wait for another incarnation (as in case of being a loser in the survival quest) to modify your needs and desires.
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@ Mat- “And if you have enough resources to carry on, you’re a winner, if not, you’re a loser”.
Yes, you could see it that way. The important thing is that there is nothing wrong with being a loser sometimes. Just like in the animal world- very few animals make it to their adulthood, most get killed before that. The problem of our culture is that we are made to see “loosing” as something embarrassing. Most people never want to admit they lost and if it is too obvious to hide they try to blame someone else. To me winning and loosing are part of nature, like yin and yang. I guess loosing is the yin- “negative” aspect. In western culture yin is often seen as inferior to yang. We simply lost the balance.
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@Hippi
I think it’s not only in our culture. It’s a natural tendency in a human being to laugh at others for different reasons. Like in a movie ‘Apocalypto’, there’s a scene in which one of the tribe members is embarrased and everybody laughs at him.
You give an example of ‘animal world’. That’s it, losing means losing life. When it comes to basics, a winner is one who survives, a loser is one who dies. However, it’s not the case in our civilisation, where you’ll still survive if you lose. Therefore ‘losing’ and ‘winning’ lost their root meanings for us. You can safely say “there is nothing wrong with being a loser sometimes” only because in this country “being a loser” is not life threatening. Try to hold to this premise while being in Afganistan or Nigeria.
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@ Lolita. Firstly, in direct answer to you question, there is an explanation of the difference between “Brain” and “Mind” in the first section of the book, but I probably wouldn’t buy it for that alone. It’s not so much a rejection of the thesis that the brain makes us who we are, but more accurately, that though our brain makes us who we are, we can make our brain into what we wish it to be… that there is a symbiotic relationship between Mind and Brain if you like, and that sometimes, the Brain may behave in its own way, contrary to the wishes of the Mind. The book then explains how the mind can then physically rewire the Brain if it is given the correct tools. If you’re a student you may well be able to get free access to some journals online. Check out the search term “Self-Directed Neuroplasticity” in the library and see what comes up. As I said in my previous comment, Benjamin Libet is also very useful to look at. The main focus of the book (it’s a “self-help” book remember) is the detail of how the Mind can “rewire” the Brain… to that end it’s not a bad buy. It’ll be an even better buy when the paperback edition comes out in about four months time
. As you have an interest in magic(k) – well you are on KIA – you will find some of the concepts are quite familiar – the “Wise Advocate” reminds me somewhat of Crowley’s Guardian Angel. This just shows how people like Crowley and Spare where way ahead of the game in so many ways. But then again, I seem to remember someone (Tim Leary?) once describing magic as “rogue psychology”.
The executive functions of the frontal lobes in the brain are responsible for a host of things connected with choosing between actions of different value, suppressing and overriding thoughts, impulses and social responses, as well as determining differences between both events and objects. They also seem to be involved in non task based long term memory. It appears that they associate particular memories with emotional input from the limbic system, thus modifying the input and making it fit with accepted social norms. With this in mind, it’s not surprising that some frontal lobe differences may lead to sociopathic behaviour. That’s not the only thing that frontal lobe differences can do however. It is now thought by a fair number of neuroscientists that conditions such a Asperger’s syndrome – which involves what could be termed ritualistic behaviour, as well as Mind Blindness – are also down to differences in “wiring” within the frontal lobes… I say “thought by some”, because, sadly, there has been far too little research in this area. Research – especially research using brain scanners and fancy equipment, costs a lot of money, and as these are conditions rather than illnesses that can be ‘cured’, there ain’t likely to be a payback – so no one puts up the dosh!
It’s worth pointing out here that I use the terms “differences” and “conditions” very deliberately and without any prejudice. These conditions can have useful sides to them. I personally know people who are able to quote conversations from years ago word for word, are able to easily solve logical problems that would probably tax you considerably – if you were able to solve them at all, and are able to grasp new concepts and learn new things far more quickly and easily than most, yet are hampered considerably by Mind Blindness and an inability to understand non-verbal communication – about 90% of a face to face conversation – that can make their social lives very[/i] difficult – more so now than ever before due to the less formal, chattier, more “touchy feely” style of relationships in our post-modern world. The lack of clear-cut, formal rules can make life very hard for such people in the world of personal / sexual relationships. Ways of making friends and meeting people that for most are both “natural” and easy can be incredibly difficult, complex, and frightening for such people to navigate.
Psychopathy – another difference now thought to be located in the frontal lobes – can also have its uses. I have heard testimony from former conscripted soldiers who told of how they discovered that one of their platoon was a psychopath… most of them were pretty horrified by what these men had done, but also frequently said that they themselves owed their lives to said person “I was bloody glad he was on our side“ was one comment that sticks in my mind – it was clearly useful to them to have a psychopath on their side when going into battle. Read The Iliad again – I make the assumption here that you’ve read it before – Achilles is clearly a raving fucking psychopath by any modern definition. The same can be said of many other heroes from mythology and history.
My personal belief is that many of these differences are simply options in human evolution. When circumstances become appropriate, then these adaptations / differences are selected for. As circumstances change, they become less desirable, and so are selected for less frequently. People who are labelled as “Sociopathic” succeed in the current environment simply because the values that society as a whole has created favours sociopaths. If you wish to rid society of sociopaths, change society so that it doesn’t favour them, and they’ll stop being selected for. Not all winners are sociopathic however… though some sociopaths will have a natural advantage – if they also have the other interests and ambitions that render them suitable for certain positions. As for sociopaths not enjoying life – well, this is where we have to explore the nature of “enjoyment”
. True, the drive for pleasure may render them unpredictable, but then unpredictability in one form or another is something that I find in many people who don’t follow
The Bearthe herd blindly… not least among many magicians. Unpredictability may be stressful and cause worries for some, but it can also make life interesting for others.Sex or Hex:
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I feel it’s important to be so filled with happiness that you’re able to transfer it upon others effortlessly.
A way of being that anybody would understand, even without using words, affecting them to their very core. Not noticeable to those who’d harm you yet touching those who need it, until some sort of tipping point where enough people are on the same page and fear doesn’t become an option for anyone.
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@Sparkychappy- very interesting stuff
@ Nekospecial- that would be ideal
@Mat Majer- Death doesn’t really fit my idea of what loosing means, simply because we all have to die. As they say- “in the eyes of death we are all equal”. The “how and when” are just details… Also it seems to me that other cultures have different ideas about death. For example my lecturer from Uganda said that in western societies people make to much fuss about death and in Uganda death is seen as a part of nature. Funerals are joyful social gatherings and his mum’s funeral was one of the best parties he ever had… Totally unacceptable by our standards…
Also in Chinese medicine death can be seen as a healing as long as one achieves peace of mind in their illness. In such cases death is seen as an end to their suffering and such is a positive experience- again totally opposite to what our culture teaches us.
I have never talked to anyone from Afghanistan or Nigeria, so i don’t know what they think about death. No matter what I am sure that war is a terrible experience…
As regards this bit: “You can safely say “there is nothing wrong with being a loser sometimes” only because in this country “being a loser” is not life threatening”- when I said there is nothing wrong with being a loser, I meant the fact that loosing (even if it means getting killed) doesn’t make you a less valuable human.
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Found a nice quote, quite relevant i think…
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Loser? … winner?
Switch off the mind and let the heart decide
who you were meant to be
Flick to remote and let the body glide
There is no enemy !
Etch out a future of your own design
Well tailored to your needs
Then fan the flame and keep the dream alive
Of a continent.
There is no enemy !
Switch of the mind and let the heart decide
We’re a continent.
Shatter the lens and grind it into sand
One measured exposure
Scatter the seed and furrow in our land
The future is roses! Roses!
Switch off the mind and let the heart decide
There is no enemy!
Lift up the hearts of this your only tribe
We’re a continent
A continent a.—-
Windpower/Thomas Dolby.
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@Hippi
“I meant the fact that loosing (even if it means getting killed) doesn’t make you a less valuable human”
Personally, I’m not dividing people into valuable or less valuable or not valuable, but I understand that some people may look at others in this way.
However, and I’m spliting hairs now, I wouldn’t connect a word “valuable” to a human being if I looked from an internal perspective. I feel that as soon as I attach a word “valuable” to people, then I would have to provide some external criteria for judging this value and I’d be forced to say someone is valued more and another is valued less.
One of these external criteria, I could think of, is how valuable is a person for a group of people to which she/he belongs. A feeling of ‘being less valuable’ might be connected then with a negative judgment received from the group.
Although, in my opinion, it wouldn’t be logical to say that somebody is a “less valuable human being”, just because somebody is negatively judged by others, but in the same time, a phrase “less valuable member of a family/community/society etc.” might be true if we talk about ‘members’ not ‘persons’.
I’m spliting hairs here. but it’s not easy to have one’s personal identity stronger than the social identity. However, once it’s achieved in heart, life’s very beautiful
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My boyfriend spent some time being homeless on the streets and describes it as a profoundly liberating experience, recounts his humbling experience of begging as doing something which makes people feel good when they feel like they’ve helped you. The other day he said “when you’ve got nothing and you find 50p in the street it’s like winning the lottery, and it happens once every couple of weeks.” He tells me that when he lived like this he was relatively happy really.
@Mat Majer yes I feel it is dangerous to try and place value on human beings. I spent a bit of time working with people with severe learning disabilities and autism, people who could never possibly work and “pay their way,” yet the spiritual value I felt from these two women was amazing, and not something that could be measured with statistics.
Yet people who live like my boyfriend did, and people who are on benefits are seen as an abomination by and are often the scapegoats of the right-wing press, nevermind all the rich people who cost the country millions in tax avoidance, lets go after the people who earn an extra hundred quid or so a month whilst on JSA or ESA.
Now we are just about to move into a proper house together and we are both feeling the stress of waiting for money to move, of being credit-checked and checked up on by the letting agents, of having to impress the landlady when we meet her, of being tied by my (comparatively small amount of) debts, of being tied into contracts from telecoms service providers, and more. We are trying to keep in mind that our choice for a normal house is a means to an end, it will enable us to do the things we want to do, but at the expense of the simple lifestyle we live now. Society does not accept the kind of lifestyle ideal to us, our impact on the planet is small in the way we live at the moment but it seems that anything but bricks and mortar is unacceptable, whether that means paying money to a bank which owns your house, to a landlord or to a housing association. @Spiral I’ve also felt my neuroses telling me I’m a failure for not having a “proper” job or career despite doing very well at school, though when I hear some of my friends talking about theirs I realise I’m actually glad, that that world is not for me and I will continue to work towards getting what I want out of life as opposed to what I feel is expected of me.
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Too true… all of it.
The only way we escape from the ‘winner and loser’ loop, as will as many other things that we are taught to value, is to simply treat it as somone elses idea.
Someone else that maybe thinks it’s mort important to ‘win’ than to actually be who you really are.
Maybe what they want is not what they need.
I have heard the term ‘sociopath’ a fee times now, but I’m not too sure what it means… I wonder why?
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Exactly.
Because when you saw “Silence of the Lambs” you thought Hannibal Lecter was a good chap
?
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Hmmmm… that second part was supposed to come out like this:
Because when you saw “Silence of the Lambs” you thought Hannibal Lecter was a good chap
?
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Heh heh!
Er… what is meant by ’good’ ?
and seriously… what is your definition of a sociopath? I need to know, because I don’t necessarily believe anyone elses.
In this case, I use the word “good” in the sense of “is this a person I’d like to know”, with a touch of “how much sympathy / empathy can I muster toward this character” thrown in. At the end of the day though, “good” and “bad” are subjective terms and dependent greatly on circumstance…
I see where you’re coming from with your point…[Read more]
@Mat and Cosmicdillettante- I like to think of all people as equal- to me “every man and every woman is a star”. As Mat pointed it out a “value” of a person can be judged only in the relation to the group/ activities they take part in. It seems to me that in our society (and probably other societies too) this “value” is strictly connected with our ability to work. Homeless or ill people are stigmatised because we see them as useless for the society. Obviously as individual, spiritual beings we have right to be here and experience our lives no matter how useful or useless we are for the others. It seems to me that the whole “value” issue comes from nature of human ego as much as it comes from the structure of the society. Obviously our egos are shaped by the societies we live in so it is a bit of a vicious circle.
I like the story of your boyfriend Cosmicdillettante- this type of experience is what I understand as spiritual initiation- the moment when you break part of your ego and free yourself from your previous social identity. Obviously he could have chosen a new identity- the identity of a homeless person but from what you say it seems like he moved on. I am sure that homeless people have lots of joyful moments in their lives, they probably appreciate more simple things. When I was poor I learnt to enjoy little and simple things.
I remember that from my first year in UK when after almost a year of being here I managed to save a bit of money and go for a wee holiday to Loch Ness with Lolita and one other friend. It was just a four days trip but it seemed like an incredibly long journey. We had very little money so most the time we ate instant foods with exception for fish and chips once a day. This was first time ever I tried British famous fast food and it seemed like an absolute delicacy. I still remember my excitement when sitting on the shore of the canal in Fort Augustus, peeling off the crispy skin from the fish and slowly chewing it. Even though most people think that being poor is a sad experience I am not so sure about it. I know people who go abroad three or four times a year to different exotic locations and they don’t seem even half as exited about their travels as I was back then with my fish and chips:-)
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Heh heh! Of couse they were not @Hippi , they are thinking with their ego.
all they ‘really need’ is the wanting to care.
If they continue to do so… no matter how much money they have, they will never feel the basic stuff of joy. It has nothing to do with success, nothing to do with ‘winning’! actually, I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the way life has become at all.
I think that I now believe… that someones ‘true worth’ is simply measured by how they can make a difference to someone else, they don’t need to have a lot of money…although it helps!
a while ago, I saw someone sitting on the street. It was very cold, they looked cold. I didn’t have very much money, but I stroked her dog, and I took my thermal beanie off and put it on her head.
Folks were giving her money, but the way she looked at me when I gave her something that I was wearing… was perhaps rather different to the spare change.
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